So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
