Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I got inside last night via doggy door
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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