She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm getting married
To pizza
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
