you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
