i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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