Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
