i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
foreskin is a definite game changer
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
