I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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