it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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