you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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