Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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