you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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