He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
