So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
