my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
