I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
