So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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