Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Randomize
