i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
