So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
