you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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