Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
