pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
