at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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