I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
