He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
