How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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