I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
