I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
