I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I would fuck him just for his dog
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
