i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
