someone threw a dead crab at me
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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