Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
