oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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