I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
