not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
