The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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