Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
