when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Too much gin, very little bucket
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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