They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
