Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
