As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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