oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
