can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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