Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
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