I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
