Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
