I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
