what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
