Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
