i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
