i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
