I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
