I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Randomize
