did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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